Saturday, April 19, 2008

Something a little dark

Ok, before anyone organizes an intervention, this is old stuff. I do think that it's good to revisit places from our pasts, even if they are dark and scary...

Nearly every day I murmur, "I don't want anymore." Anymore of what? Life, work, stress? It's not as if this is a hard life, most of us in this country, myself included, don't really know the meaning of a hard life so we make up reasons to be unhappy, we hold onto and nurture them, taking them out in the darkness so we can weep one more time.
So we become less human, we inflict pain on others to ease our own and make us feel better about ourselves when we later sit down to savor the delicious guilt.
It is clear to me that I shall never be whole again, I probably never was. But I do know that I am fading, slowly and not without a fight, but every year my footprint in the snow is lighter, smaller.
Death holds no fear for me, I believe in neither heaven nor hell. The thought of returning to the earth, to finally meld with my grandparents and great grandparents through the migration of roots and earthworms, to forever be across the red dirt road from the pasture my grandpa cleared with nothing more than a horse and his will, holds a magical appeal.


eleKtrofly said...

there's something very intimate honest in this and most of your writing. i can feel these emotions too, when i read your words.

Sarah said...

Anyone who can't admit to feeling the same way is lying to his or her self, in my very humble opinion.