Saturday, May 2, 2009

My Super Power

I have a confession: I should have been in the last X-Men or Harry Potter movie, for I have the Power to Summon the Irritating. I consider it to be a curse more than a blessing, for if I mention the Irritating, or even just think about them, they will appear within a couple of days.
Example: The other day, pissed off at a prep cook who had done a pretty poor job of getting things ready for the next couple of days I was in the back kitchen telling Sonja how I was going to find all kinds of nasty little projects for the cook when he came back on shift. I had no soon walked out of the room when the cook walked in the back door.
Then there’s Creepy Mail Man…or the Anchovy Walruses…or the A-Team…just the mention of them, a little, “Hey, I haven’t seen so-and-so in a couple of weeks,” will bring them in within hours
I know, I can hear you mumbling, “Coincidence, nothing more,” and I would be tempted to agree…if I hadn’t used my power to kill.
A couple of weeks ago a friend and I were looking over the collection of pictures glued to one of the walls in the dining room. They are mostly eight or more years old, pictures of former employees, a few select customers, and friends. John paused over one and said, “Wow, Craig…I haven’t seen him in years.”
I agreed, it had been at least two years since I had seen Craig. I knew that he had moved to Albuquerque and, a hippie since high school, had converted to Republicanism.
Two days after this conversation Jared and I were sitting on the bench in front of the café when a small pickup pulled up and parked, and who should exit? Yep, Craig.
“Wow, Craig, long time no see, what’re you up too?” I asked, shocked.
“Aw, just in town for my mom’s funeral…” Yes, my powers had killed. Ok, she had been sick for about eight years, but my powers pushed her over the abyss.
Perhaps I could learn to use my powers for good? No, I’ve tried and I’ve tried and they don’t work.
I don’t know how many times I've thought as I’ve been driving home at night, ‘Gee, it sure would be nice if Eliza Dushku would be at the house wearing one of my t-shirts and making me a sandwich and opening me a beer when I got home. But, no, it’s never happened…not once. Couldn’t even get Hottie Air Force Wife to come in for coffee.
So, I must learn to keep my mind blank…to not mention people I don’t want to see, for even if I find them irritating I truly don’t wish to send tragedy into their lives. The scary part is that several of my friends share this power, together we make up a sort of short bus Legion of Doom, and we must some how temper this curse, to learn to live among our mortal kin without standing out for fear of being hunted down, or of having our homes egged and our cars keyed. If you share this power know that you are not alone, but keep the information to yourself, for people fear that which they do not understand and they lash out at that which they fear.
Be strong my brothers and sisters and watch plenty of late night television, for nothing else cleanses the mind like a couple of hours of reality re-runs.


-Sarah- said...

All great Super Heroes have felt at some point that their power was a curse. Maybe you can think of really bad people, and then maybe the "Craig affect" will take place. Liiiiiike maybe if you think of Magneto he'll show up...b/c his, uhh... mom died (??) Okay maybe not. Stay strong.

P.S. this post was hilarious

Eric said...

Thanks Sarah!

Maria said...

I thought I was the only one. You must be my twin brother separated at birth or something. Because we are going to my childhood home in Iowa next weekend for my niece's high school graduation. I commented to one of my sisters that I just hope to hell that I don't run into Eloise Chop when we are home.

I didn't even have to wait until I returned home. I was shopping with my daughter this afternoon, we were buying new spring dresses for the graduation when I heard a voice behind me say, "Excuse me? Are you Maria Lastname? From Smalltown, Iowa?"

I whirled around and guess who it was? Yup. Eloise Chop. And then Liv with the big mouth told her that we were going home for her cousin's graduation so were buying new frocks and of course Eloise says, "Oh GOODIE! I'll tell some of the clan who are still in town and maybe we can all meet for breakfast or coffee or something while you're in town. I just KNOW they will want to see you again!!!"

This means that they want to gape at the lesbian.

And then after I have gone, Eloise will whisper dramatically that she isn't sure, but she felt like I was giving her the once-over look. "Do you think Maria was hitting on me?"

ICK. Just ick.

Eric said...

See, that's what I'm talking about. It's a curse, a curse I say!